spacing and cadence
by magi.genie
Summary: at one point i trying to understand how the team was feeling. i dont feel that way anymore. but here's what came out of it. yeah. it's like.. some time after prentiss left. i wrote it before this season now it seems sort of moot. more to come?


_umm. so this is based on the song somewhere only we know by keane . im pretty sure you can just find that on youtube for yourself. _

_in 4/4 time..and whether i should make things have like.. a dance feel or as if you are playing the musci._  
_cuz.. it could either go …_  
_first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth._  
_like.. positions_

_or .. one, two, three, four,_  
_two, two, three, four_  
_three, two, three, four_  
_and...like so on._  
_cuz whne you're counting out bars that's like.. an easy way to do it_  
_eh.. i dunno. i think i like the first one._  
_but .. is it like a bad idea?_  
_i dont know..._

_anyway.._  
_here's some._

_tell me what you think of it.. or like.. if i should just dig a hole and bury myself in it_  
_i fear you wont tell me to actually do the second one even if it's needed._

_i could go for a different signature_  
_like.. ⅝ or 6/8 .. tho i dont know how that would do very good._  
_or ¾_  
_or or...like indicated that is a different kind of rhythm_  
_(those lines arent actually supposed to be there..but i dont know how to indicate it any other way...)_

_beta: wren? i think.. she has been doing it for a little while. poor her. _

* * *

It was a horrible time for the family. They had were surrounded by all the people they would normally lean on but were so messed up that no one could lend a shoulder to anyone else. They were resentful, hurt, angry and didn't know where to turn.

"Is this the place we used to love, is the place that I've been dreaming of?" David was the first to speak. He had been there the last time that they had lost someone without any warning. Gideon had been a great asset to the team and was so dangerously loved it took a toll on those who looked up to him most. Elle had been drifting away for some time and JJ had at least said goodbye. Hotch had been there to fill in- he was a born leader and had taken over his rightful place at the head of the team.

First: Rossi

I walked into our little nest to find everything less than I had wished. Not a one of my team was doing as well as they had planned. But then again, all the plans were off the table. When something like this happens you have to do at least a minimal portion of rearranging, work on getting things back to normal. Or as normal as normal can be from now on. Nothing can go back to the way it was.  
Profiling was strictly off the table but if any of us had been this could be what we call a breaking point. Something we, ourselves, the team investigating would look back and find to explain the start of something happening. But we weren't unsubs and this wasn't a case. This was life. From now on, this was life.  
This business has been my life for as long as I have known. I profile people. I profile other people in my sleep that is. But the family was falling apart and I couldn't let that happen.  
As Spencer Reid walked out of the elevator, down the hall and came to the bull pen, he felt nothing but drained. His legs knew the way to his desk and dragged him there, forcing his body to move every step of the way. Every fibre of his being was telling him not to be there. He felt the weight of much he just wanted to be asleep, he needed it. It was like he was dragging the weight of Prentiss around with him. But really it was only her memory and the memory of all the others he could not save.

Reid sat down at his desk before he even realised that Rossi was not sitting at his. No one was sitting at their desks actually. They were all standing about. He registered what had been that of a whisper to his ears when he walked in. 'I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.'

Second: Reid.  
Get up in the morning, get out of bed, bathroom, get ready, go to the kitchen, eat breakfast. That's what you do. Get up in the morning and get ready for the day ahead. That's what Spencer told himself anyway.  
If he could have it his way, he would still be sleeping. He would sleep forever, just like her. The thoughts of that day ran through his head. But the problem was that they weren't just running+ now, they were running always. He went through the motions of a normal routine but the thing was he was living that day over and over in his head. He couldn't get rid of them and even as day became night and he went to sleep he remembered how he had gone to sleep before that day too. Sleep one night, the next Prentiss was gone. Not fair. But it's important to keep routine.  
He looked down to the phone he had pulled out of his messenger bag. He had sent a text as he was entering the building and was just receiving the reply now.  
**OK. **  
It was short, simple and to the point. It was in reply to this message which he could still see in his conversation view.  
**I'm here, just coming up.**  
An identical message was in another conversation which he held with JJ. Texting was part of the routine too.  
But the reply had been from Hotch. He wasn't very into texting. He was so different from Reid who actually preferred it to other interpersonal communication. JJ would give him this preferential treatment.

'Begin? I was thinking it was the end. This could be the end of everything.' Morgan raised his head from the kitchenette and his stirring hand. He started to speak before he swaggered over to Reid's desk, coffee mug in hand and leaded against his cubicle wall. With a sense of familiarity, Reid looked up to him with innocent eyes.

'No, this is just the beginning. There will always be another case to solve, another unsub to stop.'

'But this is the end of a family.'

'I don't think so. We are here, we might be hurting now but we, we will move on.'

'Just like we did with Gideon? Do you even remember Elle?'

'Gideon? I think about him every day. He and Elle will always hold a special place in our hearts. They were strong individuals, members of this team- you have to be as a part of this family. They brought their own importance to this team, just as Prentiss did and JJ, they had to be here - and now they are not and we are sad because of it. But that does not mean that we don't have a job to do.'

'I don't know how we can just move on. I can't just forget them. They were taken from us.'

Third: Morgan.  
Morgan had been left. That was just a fact. He watched as people died in front of him. That's what happened to him. And that takes a toll on a person. He leaned onto the people around him as much as he could, but it was easier to live through the flirts and the friendships than show people how much he is really hurting.  
But sometimes, times like this, it was just too much. He had every right to be hurt. He had every right to lose faith in life and he was going to show it at least a little. These were the people who cared about him, if they couldn't be there for him at a time like this, who could be?  
'They couldn't handle it.' Rossi spoke again. Like a father holding two brothers by the collars of their shirts, he pulled them away from their argument. 'They couldn't be here anymore. They were needed somewhere else. Gideon was a fine agent and an intelligent man, but he- and those he influenced- put too much stalk in getting to know the unsub personally.

'They were never just profiles for him. That can wipe a man clean to the ground. He needed to know who they are and what made them that way.' Reid was able to clear his head and remember his mentor the way he did every day. Jason Gideon was more than just a member of this team. He had been there for each one of them in ways no other leader could be.

'But don't we do that with every profile?' Morgan stitched his eyebrows together.

'Not the way he did it.' Reid whispered.

['Elle was the same way. She took it so personally. And in the end it was too much for her.' Morgan had thought about doing what Elle did, and had many times but had never taken it that far. He almost never hesitated to take the law into his own hands. But he knew that Elle had been wrong that night. He could never let himself go that far.]

'And JJ is better off. She was like a big sister who we always had to listen to because she was always right. Now she doesn't have to travel so much and can look after Henry more. Not that she wasn't able to take care of him and us at the same time, only JJ could do that. She deserves to be able to share her talents with people who need them.'

'We don't need them? We don't need every one of them? I am so tired of having my family ripped apart by this job. You guys are the only thing I have. And there's nothing I can do to protect you from being shipped off, killed or broken.' Morgan was a passionate man and it showed when he got angry.

Fourth: Spencer  
Spencer Reid got up just then and walked towards the man behind the glass. Clearly the Hotch had been standing about a foot away from the window allowing the curtain of a shadow to fall over his face, he didn't want to push his nose to the glass. He leaned against the railing and pulled out his cell phone to type a message.

**Won't you come out here?**

Hotch's office was a private place. It was where he did his paper work and it was where he had long talks with people he didn't want to talk to about things that he didn't want to talk about. Note, every conversation ever with Erin Strauss. If he looked out his window, he could see down into the bull pen and out into the hall. There was a lot to see. His team, his family was down in the pit, most of them anyway. He saw them in their pain and horror. Every time they started a case, they were just looking at one of many and many of cases that needed to be solved, but this case had been the one they decided to take. There was no other choice, they had to act now and act fast and it ended up not making any difference.

Aaron pushed up his jacket to gain access to his pants pocket and pulled his phone flicking the enter button to read the new message. His face remained blank as he replied.

**I don't like text messaging. I don't think I can come out there. ** He read it over. It seemed unfinished but he didn't know what else to say. He hit send anyway. Then he walked back to his desk. It felt to official. He was the man in the seat, behind the desk, behind the door, at the top of the stairs.

Reid causally moved his head from phone to door trying to visualise both at the same time. He looked back over his shoulder to the door before looking at his new message. He went up the stairs and knocked on the door.

**This would be liek.. a chapter 2 sort of thing (starting with 5th)**

Fifth: Aaron  
Hotch didn't like to keep his door all the way shut. Keeping his door all the way shut made him feel alone. He didn't want to feel alone, he just wanted that separation. He knew they were out there. He had his window, he could see outside, he knew that it was still out there but still, there was the separation that the glass provided for him. Wouldn't it be weird if the little birds he heard outside could just fly in and all around his office? Now, people aren't birds…but they are people.  
Still, if you keep your door at least partially shut, people don't look at it as if it were open. They see that there is a separation and they can't just walk in. They have to knock. They have to have permission and they have to enter his office. Even if he knows they are coming.

"Come in."

He pushed open the door, walked in and shut the door behind him. Once he let his eyes adjust in the dark office Reid found Aaron lying on his back in front of his desk.

"Why are you lying on the floor?" Reid stood by the door, head hung, hands in pockets and face quizzical.

"Because everyone is standing in the bull pen."

"Okay..."

"They are out there and I cannot be out there."

"Why can you not be out there?"

"Because out there is out there and in here is in here."

"You are not making any sense. You know that right?"

"Yes, yes I do. Look, don't worry about it. How are you?"

"I don't know. That sounds like I'm … I don't know. I can't find the words."

"Well that's to be expected," Hotch let out an audible sigh as he stood. "I think we should sit," he referred to the couch. "Or, if you have a minute, we could go some where, you know, the place." Reid had just sat down.

"Okay, you, fine we will go out. It's not like we have things to be doing, paper work?"

"I trust you will get it done."

"Okay, good. Well, in that case", Reid clapped his knees and stood up. "I have to go get my bag and you need to sneak out. I will tell the others that you have sent me home. I have a bit of a headache anyway. You should just walk out looking all official and no one will even guess you were doing anything else."

"Meet up in the parking lot in three minutes. We're supposed to be working." And that's just what he did.

"It's very bright out here," Reid commented squinting as he looked up to the canopy. They were on the side of the parking lot. It was where they always went first, then they went up a little path they had made for themselves.

"Close your eyes. Lets go this way. Follow my voice."  
"I know the way. I could do it without you." Reid started off. He walked off the pavement to the field surrounding them. It was a bright blue, sunny day and the grass beneath their feet was shining green- but Spencer didn't see any of it. Hotch followed behind a bit. He watched where the blind man put his feet and how funny his little gawky movements were. As he walked, he crouched a bit, losing his posture that he never really held anyway. His feet moved slowly and carefully but all and all in the right direction. He sort of looked sort of like a chicken in his movements, such a funny thing, his skinny body moved erratically but knowledgeably. Aaron look up to the sky as well. It was a nice day.

Sixth: Rossi  
Something about Dave Rossi, that few people noticed, was that he was always noticing other things. That's the way it should be. A profiler profiles, he doesn't announce to the world that he's going to be observing everything they do… like some sort of science experiment. At any given time any situation has a lot of information to give and sitting in silence, he soaks it all up.  
Today he lets it seep in through the window overlooking the parking lot.  
They walked along the outside of a great big field. If you walked far enough there was a small forest right in the middle of it. That is where they we headed. They walked across the sort of grassy field thing that took the place of at least a couple city blocks had the walked around. Instead they walked around They, of course were not the first people there, nor would they be the last. But this was sort of place that was just theirs, for now. Sometimes they would be in the office and could not spare the time to go home. But a half hour break could do wonders.

They walked very slowly, Hotch following the lead of the young doctor and careful not to step on his heels. Reid stepped over all the exposed roots, he knew just where they were and he turned to the path next to the right tree. It was a tall, pretty distinctive tree so if you could see, you would know it was the right now. But, that's just another of the super special things about Doctor Spencer Reid. They turned left, into the forest. They went a couple more steps and the sunlight gradually dimmed.

Seventh: Aaron  
"Are you sure you're going to be ok?"  
"Yes. You realise that now that it's dark, I would only be able to see less then when I was outside. So, even if I did open my eyes, it would not make a difference. I have been here enough to know when do duck my head and how many feet it is to the clearing."  
"I see it now. Our spot, it's up a head," His soft, husky voice. It was a man's voice, a guiding voice, but still a fathers voice. It was soft, smooth and commanding.  
"If you keep speaking with that voice, I shall not be able to find my way. You are very distracting."  
"Don't let my voice pull you back," Hotch said as he saw the brown features of a swinging branch Reid had just ducked under. "Let it push you forwards, to encourage you. Almost there," Aaron mused.  
"Hmm," Reid let the feeling of fighting the pull slip from his lips. "Stop," Reid turned around to face Hotch, putting his hand out almost chest level as Aaron walked into it.  
"Why?" Hotch looked to see the glistening to Reid's eyes, but couldn't see anything. They were still closed.  
"Because, we're here," they walked together a few extra steps to the water's edge. There was a small river only about five or six yards wide. It was tranquil and just nice. They backed up into a tree sitting each sort of kitty-corner to each other in a 'v' shape at the base of it.  
"I feel better." Hotch sort of sighed. He leaned over and put his arm around the shoulders of the other man pulling him closer. "The world seems so much more simple here. There is not so much to worry about."  
"Other than wrinkling your suit," Spencer piped in with his most charming smile.  
"Or getting it dirty, of course," Hotch didn't look too worried about it though  
"You know, everything could change and there would be nothing I could do about it."  
"Garcia would never let anything happen to our family," Reid said undoubtedly. "But could we still be ok?" there was a sense of quite all around. The trickling of the river remained calm and light in the back ground.  
"Look, I can't say what will or won't happen. We both know that things don't always go as we plan. I wish I could say that you will be able to just walk back in that office and go about your work and be normal. But let's face it, you're never going to be normal."  
"Normal is not good. If we were all normal, none of us would be here. But, routine, routine is nice. I can handle routine. I can't work like this."  
"Yes, I have become routine to the change in routine. But we can find a new routine. Like this place, it could be our place we could come here when we are not on a case. We can make time. it can be Our Time."  
"When do we ever have time? You have a kid and I have ...nothing. I have school and work and the team."  
"You are not just this team. I know you think it's that simple. But it never is. Simple thing, when are you going to just let me all the way in? We came all the way out here so we could b ea lone together but we couldn't leave the trouble back there well enough alone."  
"I guess it just doesn't matter when we are, we'll always be alone. The people who leave this team leave it for good and they never come back." Spencer got up then and started walking back stumbling even though he had his eyes wide open. Hotch just sighed he was too tired to deal with this. Aaron Hotchner leaned back into the tree his legs out in front of him. Again he was on the ground alone and there was no one to tell him it didn't make sense. "Guess it's your turn to leave then?" he whispered to the water.  
It was some 10 or 20 or even 50 mins before was able to get up and walk back. He didn't go back to the office though, we went home to his son. At home, he kissed his son and hugged him and held him. He could never let him go.  
He made dinner, some chicken and french fries, ketchup for both and corn on the side. Then off to bed for the little one. Aaron tucked his son in to bed, something he wasn't able to do as much as he wanted. "Oh simple thing, I'm getting old and I need something to rely on." He brushed the bangs from his son's face trying to brush everything that had been put on him he didn't deserve any of it. " Go to sleep now, please," just look now, he was asking yet another thing of the child.

Eight: Morgan

I walked into the office again. It was just another day without her. It felt like we were going nowhere, spinning in circles but around a common centre, our BAU, ourselves. We were doing it together, but falling apart.  
The next day when Hotch called a meeting, Reid was not there. "Has anyone seen Reid?"  
"No, and I sent him a text as well, nothing," Morgan did not look pleased.  
"That is right, our boy genius is no where to be found," Garcia struck in.  
"Well, maybe he got held up," Hotch suggested trying not to worry about it.  
"Have you called him, Baby Girl?"  
"Sure thing Daddy-o. His home phone rang and rang and his cell went right to voice mail."  
"I guess we'll just have to wait and see," Derek knew there was another thing missing here where was Reid? What was he missing? His brain was working double time trying to figure it out, but there was something here and he just didn't know what it was.

* * *

_i dont know what im thinking.. clearly im insane.  
for the love of god.. could i just freaking write a one shot?_

_no..  
__what's worse.. is that ican write 5000 words on criminal minds. and actually put effort into it OVER MONTHS... like.. a year  
but i wont do it for school  
_

_anyway  
there's more to come  
ill have to get more beta tho.. which im not looking forward to  
i just have been staring at this too long and it needed to go up_

_tell me if you hate it._

_i dont even know how i feel about it anymore. _


End file.
